I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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