I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
