There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
i think my cat just said my name.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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