going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
