I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It's rum buckets o'clock
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize