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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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