Swine flu. Run for my life!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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