Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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