I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
