I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
