I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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