I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize