the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I have post one night stand depression
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
