who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
