I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
