Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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