already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
