Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
