Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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