New invention idea: vibrating tampons
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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