I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
