Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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