my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize