Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
