So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
