hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
