Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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