dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
