he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
