Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
