I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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