Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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