Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
