I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
