i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
