Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
