guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
