Jerry, you need to find god
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
you had me at cake vodka
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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