So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
