you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
