He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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