haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
