I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
