that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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