I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
