You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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