he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
