genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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