Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Too much gin, very little bucket
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
