I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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