Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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