so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
