Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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