I wanna bring you to show and tell
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
