I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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