Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
