I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
