Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
