i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
