your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
