I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
