accomplished twins. life is a go
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you inspire me to be a worse person
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
